Headstands

This morning in yoga class before we began the instructor asked all of us yogis to set an intention for our practice for the morning.

I closed my eyes with my hands pressed together at my heart. I want to fully be in my body, not in my mind. I want to learn from my body.

Our practice today focused on using our muscle energy, and fine-tunning how we position ourselves. We finished our practice by moving our mats to the wall, and moving ourselves into headstands.

Headstands have always been very difficult for me.

Part of it is a lack of upper body strength, and that I've broken both of my wrists, so I fatigue easily.

The bigger and more dominating factor of why headstands, and generally being upside down is difficult for me is because I am scared.

It's mostly mental. Isn't everything?

Throughout my childhood my maternal grandmother, my "Nani" told me I would break my neck if I attempted cartwheels, handstands, or tumbles. Her voice still resides in my head every time I'm in yoga and I have to do a headstand or shoulder stand.

I'll break my neck if I do this, my mind tells me.

I can feel the fear ripple through me as I press into downward dog and position my head between my hands.

These thoughts go through my mind:

1. I'm not strong enough.
2. I will break my neck.
3. I can't do this.

After five minutes of noticing other yogis pop up into headstand, while I just hovered in a bent downward dog, I collapsed into child's pose to rest my arms. Then I re-positioned myself and mustered the energy to kick one of my legs up. It hit the wall behind me. The wall is so close, I thought. So I kicked one leg up again, and then the other. They both hit the wall. I was up! I felt the muscular energy in my arms and in my neck muscles. My muscles were holding me up, not my neck bones. It would be impossible to break my neck in this position.

It's not true.

I can do it, and I won't break my neck.

I felt like shouting out to the instructor, LOOK AT ME!

I did it.

Not perfectly, but I got up.

As we did our closing Sivasana, or relaxation pose, I thought about my intention I had made in the beginning of class: I be in my body, to learn from my body.

My body taught me it is capable of much more than I think, and most of what is holding me back in my growing in my yoga practice is fear.

Mind over matter, right?

If I am capable of doing a headstand, when I never believed I could, what else am I capable of doing?

It's an exciting thought.