too cold to scoot

Everything felt difficult today because it was so cold.

So cold I put on my warmest corduroy pants, and underneath my pants, warm black leggings. I had a warm sweater, my biggest jacket, a scarf, a beanie and of course, gloves.

Nina and my morning walk was so cold we cut it short. This morning I wished for a backyard, so I could let Nina out, instead of walking her. I could stay inside the steamy kitchen and watch her relieve herself on the bushes. This can't happen though because I live in a tiny, treehouse loft apartment, and have no backyard for Nina.

Then I had to go to work.

Riding a scooter in freezing weather is not fun, to say the least. On top of being freezing cold, especially my fingertips and cheeks, I just felt silly and poor.

I envied the other drivers in their heated cars, jackets off, coffee resting in a cup holder.

Once I arrived at the preschool, the secretary gave me a sympathetic look when she saw me holding my moped helmet.

Noon came, and I was off for a couple of hours. I stopped to get gas, determined to do my errands like other people even on a freezing cold day. My hands were so cold they were clumsy, and I ended spraying gas on myself. How much gas spilled is dangerous?

Then, I scooted to UNM to print some poems, and when I took off my gloves my hands looked gray.

I scooted home, walked Nina, warmed up, and then headed out again to the preschool. On my commute today, I felt sorry for myself. I hated this life I've chosen of simplicity and frugality. I felt tired of being tough, and sticking to my guns. I'm felt tired of being poor and 24, and struggling, and knowing I will struggle and be poor for the next two years through grad school. I wanted a big warm car, and a backyard, and a warmer jacket, and a tea kettle so I don't have to boil water in a pot, and a printer at my house.

I'm usually a happy person, but today I felt sad. I wanted things I don't have. And when I begin to feel sad, I tend to wallow in my melancholy like a pig in spring mud.

The day is over. I had a hot bowl of tomato soup for dinner. My sweet pug is on my lap. I will curl up with a book, and wish this melancholy away. I will get through the winter on my scooter. I must. There is no other way.