Goodbye Invincible Youth

Today I was brainstorming with Lucia, Tee and Eileen about possible "Essential Questions" for my unit on Growth and Change that I'll do with the Kindergartners. One question suggested was:

When does a little kid become a big kid?

Or when does a baby become a child?

Or when does a child become an adult?

These questions are meant to be open-ended, debatable and universal.

So I started thinking about me, and being 25, because my ideas and way in the world around me has shifted recently.

I think I am exiting what I call "The Invincible Youth" stage. How sad, right?

I am noticing that when things happen to me, I think about them longer, and it's not so easy to brush them off. For example, I had a disagreement with a neighbor, and afterwards I really thought hard about what I said, and did, and wanted to realize I was wrong, if I was wrong. Often in the past, I would have just brushed the event off, and not taken the time to think it over.

I'm also more sensitive to others. For example, yesterday in class I made a joking comment about the French being an exclusive culture, and a girl who had lived in a France blurted out, "No, there not!" Afterwards, I really worried that I had offended her. I thought about it so much, that I thought about going up to her later and bringing it up again and apologizing if I had offended her, but she came to chat with me after class, and complimented my shirt, so phew, no harm done, I guess.

Also, I am feeling more realistic about life and my abilities. I don't think that I am "settling for less" than I wanted at one point, rather coming into my true self and seeing things more for what they are, than what I want them to be.

I didn't think I would be a Elementary school teacher 5 years ago. I wanted to be a famous writer, and I wanted it fast. I still want to be a writer, and I am working on it, and on my own time.

Lately, I also feel I haven't felt as confident as I have in previous times. Maybe because I'm a novice at everything I'm doing now, and make so many mistakes everyday from errors in my Spanish in the Dual Language Kindergarten, to classroom management flops, to lesson plan disasters, to feeling intimidated of teaching math, and now, to convincing a principal to hire me for the fall when 1200 jobs have just been cut in the district.

Confidence was definitely part of the Invincible Youth, and I'm working on keeping that trait.

It's hard though, in this time that feels like the roller coaster is coming down, and I am realizing all the lapses of judgement, and crazy things I did in the past several years. Suddenly I am a critical middle twenties woman waving her finger at the underage drinking college student, thinking she could conquer the world in just a few years.

I want to keep it fresh, and relax, and realize that growth and change is normal for everyone, even me.