What is certain:
- I have a bilingual auto substitute position at Los Padillas, a wonderful little school I student taught at last spring. Today was my first day. The first day is always a bit weird, right? The principal was so nice to me. She gave me my own "office," which is in la tiendita (school store) and smells like skunk because there is dead skunk under the portable. I'm not being sarcastic at all, for those of you who think this is a bad deal. I felt very special to be given my own space, skunk smell and all. I don't mind the smell of skunk anyway. I kind of like it. AND I get my own key to the skunky tiendita. Everyone was nice to me. Nicer than when I was a student teacher. It was great to see Miriam and Patricia and their new class, and even more great to see my students in the first grade reading. Actually reading! And they have a great teacher.
- I have a car, and I love it! And with my job, I will have enough money to live on! First time ever!
- I am much work to do for my MA research project, and with studying for La Prueba. I am learning more and more Spanish every day. I record myself daily in Spanish on my grabadora, and each day my speaking is getting better. I also worked on Spanish Cloze tests this morning. Tonight and tomorrow I will reading up on Los Santeros de Northern N.M, and reading Peer journals on about elementary ed. social studies, agriculture, heritage, origins and food-because that is what is interesting to me and that is what my thesis is about.
Uncertainties:
- Will I ever be a great teacher? I feel like I still have so much to learn. This afternoon I subbed in two classes where the children only respond if you yell at them. This kind of situation is the most difficult for me because I won't yell at them, and lots of time they get crazy and off task because they don't fear me. I need to remember to bring stickers tomorrow to reward good behavior. This girl Zippy almost made me burst into tears today. I am in the process of developing a substitute goody bag of fun things/icebreakers/stickers and other rewards. Maybe this will help.
- I am on an emotional low these days. I am disappointed, questioning myself, and anxious about my personal life and my relationships with others. I am so anxious I toss and turn at night, wake before my alarm, and am never hungry. I have to look at the clock to tell me when to eat. At various times of the day, without warning, I will have to fight the urge to burst into tears. This kind of behavior is surprising to me, and my mind thinks: "wow this hurts. this really hurts. this is what feeling sad feels like." I've had artistic visions of myself emotionally as a vase cracking and water spilling out. so much water spilling out and it continues to spill and drip. I wake up hours before I have to be at school so that when I arrive I am emotionally available to the children, fully present, with a smile on my face. This low feels spiritually purifying, and I journal about what patterns on my own I may have to change, states of mind that need shifting, or roads that I should not walk down again.
- I have a new job, but I am waiting to hear from another job that I want more. I may have to wait until the end of the week to find out.
Here is a quote that has been helping me through my days:
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in the lonely frustration for the life you deserved but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is YOURS.
Ayn Rand
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